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The Perfect Exercise
02/26/2009 - By Caleb Granger An Exercise in Forgiveness
“I can’t believe they did this to me!”
He left you all alone. They were never there for you to begin with. She treated you so unfairly. He never listened to a word you said. And now it’s too late. They are out of your life, or out of your heart. Through circumstances, your own choices, or the choices of others; the point is that things have changed and will never be the same. The only thing that did not leave you is the feelings that are deep inside you, just waiting to come to the surface. When you think about the painful moments the hurt wells up from deep down; quickly followed by anger, sadness, or a poignant and painful mixture of both.
The typical response
What happens when someone ‘does you wrong’? How do you react? Once you are safely away from the immediate danger and have taken steps to either end the interaction / relationship or modify it in some way to distance yourself from the painful action, how do you deal with the residual hurt? For many people, the typical response is one of lashing anger. I know that there are many times in my life that I have experienced a deep, smoldering anger toward another or an event that could flare up whenever I even thought of them. My body would get hot, maybe even breaking into a sweat. My heart rate increased, as did my breathing. Even years after the fact, unresolved anger or hurt can affect our bodies as if we were going through that painful event all over again!
The bitterness battle
Do you recognize this pattern of pain and anger? Are there people or events in your life or past who continue to elicit a physical and emotional response from you, even though they are no longer a part of your life? How do you deal with that? Do you try not to think about them? Do you curse them and actively feed the anger whenever their memory comes to mind? How do you think that behavior pattern is impacting your present? How will affect you and those close to you in the future? Don’t you think there is a healthier, more empowering way to deal with hurtful events? I know that there is, and I encourage you in the following paragraphs to consider the disciplined exercise and practice of forgiveness to help speed healthy growth and happiness.
The alternative to anger
It may seem counter-intuitive, but in my experience forgiveness is something that can and must be exercised (like a muscle) in order to allow it to grow and become strong. As an alternative to angry resentment, forgiveness (of both yourself and of others) can truly release the angry feelings that are inside, and allow healing to come in to your heart and life.
“But I could never forgive him for what he did to me!” you might say. I know exactly where you are coming from. It is important to note that forgiveness does not mean that you allow a person the same access to you that they had before the hurtful event, it simply means that you forgive them and are letting go of your own anger and hurt. In truth, forgiveness often is not even about the person or event that hurt you. In the long run; it is really about you and your own healing process. “But they don’t deserve my forgiveness!” you say. I hear you. And I would suggest that that could be said for all of us to some degree. But again, it’s not even about whether or not they “deserve it”; it is more about how to get yourself healthy, and ensure that you are doing the most loving thing for yourself and your future. If action A is going to make you the healthiest and help you recover the quickest and live the fullest life, isn’t that what you want to do? Again, it’s not even about them per se, it’s about your future and your mental and emotional health!
An exercise in forgiveness
Like lots of other disciplines that many of us were not taught as kids or young adults, forgiveness is something that can grow with practice. In order to gauge my own levels of forgiveness toward another, I have made sure that I stopped whenever the person came up in conversation or I saw them on the street. I would stop and ask myself (when I had the time of course) how that had made me feel. How did it feel to see them? What are my wishes for them? Did I become annoyed when I thought about them, or was I calm and peaceful, wishing them well without resentment? If I had anything less than warm feelings for them, I knew that I had more forgiving to do.
So how does one continue practicing to forgive? One way that has worked for me was simply to voice my continued forgiveness. Simply stating “I forgive _________ “ or “I intend to forgive __________ fully and completely” is an easy way to focus yourself in the write direction. Your body and emotions follow your mind in so many ways, and as you continue to meet, recognize, stop your resentment, and substitute even the words of forgiveness, your body will begin to recognize a new pattern for dealing. I have gone through patterns of 2 and 3 years of testing for my true feelings toward a person or event, recognizing anger and resentment, and practicing forgiveness over and over again. I encourage you that it DOES get better. It DOES get easier. It DOES help you to move forward and see the world with gladness and gratitude. Keep at it!
The “forgiveness muscle” grows stronger
It’s pretty easy to tell if a person’s memory brings up anger or resentment, signaling that there is forgiveness needed. But how do you tell when there is no longer any need to forgive? One great visualization tool I have used was to try to imagine the person who was the target of my forgiveness, bathed in healing, energizing and peaceful white light. Alone in peace and health, I tried to imagine them just bathed in this heavenly light. If I could not imagine that, I continued to forgive and pray for my own healing and strength. I still remember the day that I was able to formulate this picture and hold it in my mind’s eye. I could feel my stomach relax, and a smile broke out across my face as I sat with my eyes closed. To be at such peace with the memory of someone/something who had hurt me so painfully was such a blessing, and it was carried out by simply practicing forgiveness one baby step at a time!
The home stretch!
If you are struggling today with hurt, disappointment, pain, or anger; please do consider taking a small baby step toward forgiveness. Simply think of the person or event and say “I intend to forgive this person, deeply and completely. I forgive myself for this as well. I was doing the best I could at the time, and I forgive today!” Keep at it! Your forgiveness muscle will get stronger with use, I guarantee it! When the person or event comes up in your mind, just catch the feelings that their memory elicits, stop it in its track and replace it with the phrase “I intend to forgive…” I really encourage you to do it today! Do it for the “you” of today. Do it for the “you” of the future. Do it for your loved ones. Do it because it is the best way to get your heart, your soul, and your joy back from the trauma you have gone through. The next time you are overcome with anger, exercise forgiveness and watch how quickly you see the positive changes in your heart, mind, and life!
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